You might not know but sometimes I stole a glance at your heavenly face when you were reading a book just beside me. It wasn’t even a glance, I believe that I was staring too long and that I couldn’t care less. But you might know. You might enjoy it anyway. Because when you laughed between those pages, it felt like you laugh at how silly I was. This girl likes me so much she couldn’t help it. How entertaining. That was what’s in your head, right? You probably knew it for too long.

You were one of the smartest person I knew living on this earth in such humble way. And the kindest, too. I knew just how much you love science, technology, photography, social practice, and political discourses you wouldn’t bother to attend. You chose to speak up your opinions deliberately, in such elegance. You showed me that brainy people can actually give meaningful takes and informations without being pretentious and overbearing.

Sometimes I wonder, what was your mother’s method when raising you? A man with pure heart, artsy taste, delicate manner, and intelligent insights. You didn’t look like someone who breaks people hearts. You looked like someone who keeps them in the warmest corner of your heart forever. And how I wished you keep me, too. Not necessarily forever, but just enough until our fondness towards each other evaporate into thin air.

I didn’t even know what to call it then. I didn’t know it was love. We admired each other wholeheartedly. You supported me, respected me, as I to you. It was always mutual and I swear your devotion towards me was never unrequited. We loved visiting library to library, and in between them, we talked a lot about all the topics of our interest. Political dynamics, feminism, social class, and the downfall of our government. It was such an honour to spend times with you. Not only it stimulated my brain, but your presence was like a gift to me. I discovered what I really want with my life.

The weight of our relationship lay between the fondness of two best friends admiring each other, or an adult love between man and woman who think it was impossible. Have you found love? Many times I had asked you this to secure my position. Had you ever find someone to love, I would’ve take care of my feelings for our sake. I am not good at this, you said. What was it you think, that you don’t need someone else because you could always find me around? How did I tell you that it is completely different?

In your apartment, 9 pm. We watched this tv show called 1899 as it began to rain outside. Have you found love? All of the sudden, you asked me that exact same question. I was so confident I told you I have. You turned your head facing me and stared at me like you would observe a beautiful artefact in the museum we visited a lot. Not even in ten seconds, your fingers brushed mine. I felt the electricity in my shoulder but fortunately I maintained my calmness, thinking it was a mistake. With that one touch, the butterflies in my stomach had scattered everywhere and flew free into the ceiling. I felt like they were shining among the dim light I almost thought they were fireflies.

Ask me again, you said to me. Okay. Have you found love? I wasn’t sure where this conversation is going, and I felt like you were being weird. When was it the last time you are this serious? You kept your eyes locked to mine as you leaned closer, stroked my hair, and whispered to my right ear. I think I have. For a second, I wanted to cry. If it was someone else, I would probably be weeping my eyes dry in the next two weeks. Had it happened, I might force myself to be happy for you.

In five seconds when I was busy overthinking the worst scenario, you pulled the back of my head and kissed me. It was passionate, almost intense. The way you swallowed my lips with so much longing made me shiver all over my body. You caressed my back as you pulled me closer, I believe your only purpose was solely to eliminate the space between us. Can I? You asked as if you need my permission to go further. I hugged you tightly with all my might, telling you this was what I wanted, too.

One by one, the button of your linen shirt was undone. I licked every inch of your body to make sure your skin was as real as the sound of your breath. I smooched your neck very gently as your grips tighten around my waist. I couldn’t help thinking about since when you hold yourself back to do all these. Perhaps a war in that brainy head happened a lot. The way you think you should choose to enjoy my presence as a friend you love to hang out with, or as a woman you want to make love to. I should say that you don’t have to choose because I could be both anyway.

I am not someone who thinks a lot about friendships. If I happened to love my best friend, I would show it without hesitation. What if it’s over because of the unexpected romantic plot? People might think this way. But for me, if it’s over then let it be over. It only proved that our friendship wasn’t strong enough as a bond. I am not someone who’s afraid to lose a friend. But you’re different. You would think about it thousand of times. I bet you might be contemplating this for months while sipping your rosemary tea in the balcony. And the fact that you chose to kiss me on the lips showed that you want me that bad.

I didn’t know where it’ll be going but I wanted to go there. Desperately. I wanted to make sure just how much you want me. I wanted to pick up even slight hesitation within your eyes. Oh, but I didn’t see any. You made up your mind as you picked me up from the couch and headed up to your bed. It was getting serious and I felt myself burning inside and out.

When morning came, you hugged me tight in the back as our skin glued to each other. Thank you. You whispered to my ear, which I found it so tickling. For what? I replied, hiding my smile behind the warm blanket that smelled like you. For wanting this, too. I’ve been thinking about it for almost a year. I didn’t know how to tell you. But I’m glad I did. And again, thank you. I rolled my body over and stared at that heavenly face for a minute long. It was so cute because you were so shy, you told me not to look at you like that. But I kept looking, like there’s no tomorrow.

On my way home, you sent me a list of places you wish to go with me. It was not unnatural because we’d been doing this a lot. But in that list, you added a thing that brings garden to my empty soul. You wanted me to meet your mother, your one and only family. You knew I love to hear stories about your mother, probably because I didn’t have one. Sometimes, I wonder how would that feel to be loved by someone so gentle and kind-hearted, also smart and elegant. Someone who raised an incredible man that pours lives into my cup wholeheartedly. A mother who had so much love to give. So we started to hang out with your mother every week, and I couldn’t be happier because it felt like I found a family I’d never had. My life was full of joy ever since. The three of us, together, against the world.

But the joy wasn’t really last long. You passed away from a heart attack a year since our first kiss. Our beautiful bridge was wavering kinda roughly I couldn’t hold on even to myself. Your mother and I were so lost but fortunately we stood firm. We kept each other from falling and sinking deeper in our grieves. My life was turning grey and black, like there was no sun on duty that year. The resignation of your body from this world had brought me to a sense that every beautiful soul will cease after all. Your clock was stop ticking. Your time was ended before our love does.

I brought you every day with me. I’d never once left home without you. I saw you everywhere I go, in every bookstore, every libraries and museums that still hold your presence. You were there. And you’re probably here in another form, watching me from a far, make sure I live honourably and elegantly like I always told you. I talked to myself a lot, just as you were still here beside me, as if you smiled at me with your timid but generous smile. You never left me, you were taken away from me. I kept thinking to myself that way, just so it felt like I deserve to cry a river, just so I could blame the earth from buried you all alone.

I filled myself with you even more since you were gone somehow I thought that we become closer, become one. But it was just a constant lie, right? A lie I engraved in my head just so I wouldn’t forget about you. What about in 20 years? Would you slowly fade away like the raindrops that touched the ground when it stops raining? How many years this brain can possibly hold a memory of someone we can no longer meet? I closed my eyes and fell asleep.

In my dream, you sat between a sunflower garden, and you smiled so bright I started to think you’re one of them. You waved at me who was standing in a bridge, where the waves were crashing right and left. You told me to go home and said you love me. I will see you again and I will wait you here. I smiled and nodded. I knew we will meet again someday, you would wait for me there in a sunflower garden. And I wouldn’t let you go once I was finally drown in the wave on our bridges.